The first of the grammar rules: Grammar isn’t about rules.

When I was 12, I got into trouble for correcting a teacher’s grammar.

She wrote “Your late” on the whiteboard, and I, a little nerd with zero self-preservation, added an apostrophe and an e. In red koki.

That’s when I realised grammar isn’t about rules. It’s about control. And if you’re still clutching at your own set of conventions like pearls on a Boomer, I hate to break it to you: half of them are made-up, old-school or both.

If you’re ready to have your grammatical worldview quietly shattered, let’s tackle some weird myths and obscure heresies. Because here’s an ugly truth: Grammar is not sacred. It’s hard-working, sweaty and occasionally drunk.

Now, I’m not talking about the dusty grammar rules still skulking around your brain from Grade 7 English. I’m not concerned with these*:

• Don’t start a sentence with “and”, “but” or “because”.

• Passive voice is bad.

• Colons and semicolons make writing more sophisticated.

• Always write in complete sentences.

• Never use “you” in business writing.

(*Well, not today anyway. But you should know that they’re all nonsense.)

I’m talking about 6 bad grammar rules you may not know you’re obeying:

Old grammar rule #1:

“Data” is plural.

Nope. Not outside of academic journals. In regular English, data is just fine. Unless you’re talking to a statistician (which I suggest avoiding at all costs).

Old grammar rule #2:

You must define every acronym.

Bull. Only if your reader is five or freshly thawed from 1942. If they know the acronym (CEO, wifi, Unisa, HIV/Aids), don’t insult their intelligence.

Old grammar rule #3:

“Whom” is always correct.

Use it if you’re writing legalese or trying to seduce an Oxford professor. Otherwise, who gets the job done just as well — and sounds more human.

Old grammar rule #4:

You can’t use “they” for a singular person.

You can. And should. It’s inclusive, neat and already in widespread use. Someone left their coffee mug behind. ← Nobody blinks at that.

Old grammar rule #5:

“E.g.” and “i.e.” are interchangeable.

They’re not: e.g. means “for example”; i.e. means “in other words”. If you don’t know which to use, write “for example” or “that is” and move on.

Old grammar rule #6:

Avoid adverbs (“hopefully”, “obviously,” “actively”, “seriously”).

Oh, come on. These handy qualifiers make you sound like a person who has thoughts. And frankly, I find the hate for them tiresome.

32 years after RedKokiGate, I still occasionally correct grammar. But now I get paid for applying grammar rules — and I always use my own pens. Poetic justice, much?

This week, may you go forth and write like a person. Have a good one.